Five Things a Woman Should Never Compromise in a Mate

I’ve been party to a few failed relationships. Heck, I think I’ve only dated two nice guys over the course of my adult life, making my success rate in the relationship department close to 0.001 percent. WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BACK! My not-so-successful love life shouldn’t deter you from taking advice from me, quite the contrary -- I’ve dated a bunch of douche bags so that you don’t have to. Take it from me, here are five things that you shouldn’t overlook in a potential boo.

HE’S GOTTA LAUGH AT YOU – You’ve just engaged in something silly. Your paramour stares at you blankly. Is there anything worse? No, there isn’t! It is extremely important that the man you are schtooping laughs at you – in a nice way. I’m not saying he should point and laugh after you trip over your own foot, but when you make a joke, he should chuckle. People who laugh at you also generally find you likeable. Therefore, a man who laughs at you, is a man who loves you.

HE MUST BUY YOU DRINKS – Yeah, yeah, we should strive to live in a gender neutral, egalitarian society. Women can buy their own drinks, times have changed, blah, blah, blah. Just because us gals can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean a little old fashioned chivalry is dead. After you finish a Stoli Razz and soda, does more than five minutes pass before he offers to buy you a new drink? When he walks through a door does he let it fall behind him without holding it open? Does he begin to talk about himself after you vent about having a bad day? If you answered yes to more than two of the above questions, RUN! I’m sorry, but you are dating a dickhead. Dickish behaviors may start out small but they quickly evolve into bigger issues. Six months from now you won’t be having orgasms, you will be footing the bill for his prescription meds, and you might be taking his car for an oil change.


HE MUST BE NICE TO THE WORKING CLASS – What happens when you are out to dinner and the wait staff screws up a little? Does he get snippy? Demand for something comped off the bill? If so, he’s probably a self righteous, entitled, narcissistic, mama’s boy boob. The working class has it rough already. Do we really need to add to their demise by making them feel bad about themselves? A nice guy knows this and will be nice to the server.

STALKER ATTRIBUTES – A gentleman who knows little things about you has probably stalked you a little. This is great! Any woman with a smidgen of self worth wants to be stalked a bit. Why do you think we have facebook accounts or self indulgent blogs? People want others to be curious about them. And we love it when someone goes the extra mile and lurks outside our bedroom window in the bushes. It’s adorable…and courageous!


A CLEAN CAR – Any man who keeps BK Whopper wrappers, dirty gym socks, empty Bud Light cans, and banana peels in the back seat of his hog will end up being a shitty lover. A man who can’t be bothered to throw away last month’s fast food remnants ain’t gonna go the extra mile in the bedroom. If your guy has a dirty car, be prepared to never feel satisfied. Soon there will be empirical evidence for my dirty car = shitty lover theory, guaranteed.